When the hell did this happen?

When the hell did this happen? I just wanted to log into my account for a minute and BAM! It took me half an hour to set up a Google account and then it was a major pain in the ass to tie that to my old blog.

Wow, that sucks major ass. Well, I thought I'd update the blog because I'm thinking of doing something different with it. I want to make sure I'm going to keep using the blog, though, because otherwise it will be a waste of time.

Which is why I'm posting today about my plan to start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. A friend of mine from an old job is taking it and he's real big on it and I go way back with an interest in jiu jitsu. I just worry that my knees and my wrist and my shoulder will give me problems. I mean, those are all things that get twisted on when you're wrestling.

I don't want to compete, I'm way too damned old for that, but I'd like to get in better physical shape and I'd like to be able to wrestle better than I do now. I don't want to fight Chuck Liddell but if some asshole at Wal-Mart wants to grab me on the parking lot, I'd like to have a better way to deal with them than just shoot them. Just more tools in the toolbox I guess. That, and I'm sure it's a confidence builder. When I worked out all the time, I was more confident and in a better overall mood all the time. I'm sure it has to do with endorphins or something like that. I'll leave the science of it up to the experts. But I felt better. And I'm hoping that the jiu jitsu will be less taxing on my joints than heavy weight lifting. We'll see about that.

Other than that, I have some other things I want to Blog about and possibly start a forum but I want to make sure I'm going to stick with it first. My plan is to start a forum for local folks to post pics when they have a missing dog or something like that. I've had three dogs disappeared in 6 weeks and luckily, these were new dogs. The one I'd had the longest I got in November and although I was very fond and attached to these dogs, it's not like I lost Rocky or Ginger. Rocky is almost four and Ginger is a little over 2 years old. That's a major emotional and financial investment. Rocky should have been called Risky and has multiple trauma injuries to prove it. Just using Frontline and Heartgard are a hundred bucks every six months or so.

Anyway, so after losing the first dog, little Darla, I thought about starting a forum to connect people with their lost pets and so if I can keep my attention on this blog, rather than letting it go unattended for more than 2 years, then I will be able to keep up a forum. Like I said about the jiu jitsu, we'll see about that.

Until then...Fuck the Po-Lice.

No new blogging lately...

I haven't done a lot of blogging lately. I guess mostly because when I just sit down and hammer out ideas, I don't want them exposed in a public medium. I'd rather have them close and private. I still sometimes fear that I'll be indicted or investigated for some as-yet uncommitted crime and they'll use my journal against me. So, I'm prepared to delete it at a moment's notice. The funny thing is, there is nothing in my journal that even hints at illegal acts. I'm just fearful of my government.

It's cold here in Arkansas and yesterday, they killed that fuck Robida who attacked folks at the gay bar in Massachusetts. Personally, I think he was gay and couldn't accept that. What drives a person to do shit like that? Just show up with a pistol and a hatchet and start whacking? Or like the chick last week in California, the one who shot up the post office? That's one of the reasons I carry a pistol.

I harbor no illusions that I'm invincible or that a pistol makes me invulnerable. But, if given an opportunity to protect myself, I'll have the means.

Speaking of which, a coworker of mine is facing four felony counts for taking a baseball bat--actually, I think it was a soft ball bat--to his estranged wife's boyfriend. In WalMart no less. What the hell was he thinking? I mean, it's on video and he's going to jail and HE was the one with custody of the kids. So who knows? But you know what, if he'd have attacked me, he probably would have more to worry about that jail. Because he hit the guy a couple of times, obviously trying to do damage and cause severe injury or death but he really ended up chasing him--and losing him--down the aisles of WalMart. Someone with a concealed weapons permit would have ran and when this guy with the bat caught up--BANG! Problem solved. That's why people can own and carry guns.

The thing is, he's a nice guy when he's not trying to bludgeon someone to death with a ball bat. Doesn't have a criminal history, etc. He's been separated from this woman for 7 months and if I had to guess, I'd have to say he's getting 10 years minimum unless his lawyer can plea this down, which will be difficult.

Just in case the WalMart video of the attack won't be admissible, the local news organizations have been polluting the potential jury pool by airing it several days in a row on the news and on the morning shows. But it just goes to show you, a security camera only helps prosecute the person who attacks, assaults, batters, rapes, kills, or kidnaps you. So, for all those anti-gun nuts out there, take this with you when you leave: Be responsible for your own safety because no one else is. Don't believe me? Google Gonzales v. City of Castle Rock.

Fuck the Po-Lice.

Possible avatars...

New gun...s...

Ok, I know I don't NEED more guns but hey, what can you say? I now have added a Walther P22 to my collection. I already had a .22lr semiautomatic but I wanted one that felt more like a real combat pistol with combat pistol sites and so I bought one. I also ordered a MiniCougar in .40 s&w to go with my two other Beretta Cougars. They're discontinued so when they're gone, they're gone. And I wanted something small and compact and most companies are only offerring polymer guns in subcompacts.

I also wanted a shotgun. I've been looking lately at either a shotgun or something else, maybe something like a AR15 or AK47 or something like that, for home defense for when the BATFE serves a "no-knock" warrant. Or when the New Madrid Fault breaks and central Arkansas is thrown into chaos. I wanted something relatively inexpensive and reliable. So...enter the Mossberg.

I bought a Mossberg 500A synthetic with an 18 1/2 barrel, holds 6 shells, even three inch magnums. Lightweight, short, ideal for home defense. Then I bought some buckshot and some slugs and stuff... The gun was $224 at Academy Sports. That is a steal. I'm planning on either getting a collapsible stock or a shorter stock because when I shoulder the gun, it's a little long from the end of the stock to the trigger. We'll see.

Gaye Anne and I went to the range yesterday and shot it. We went through a box of #4 field loads and WOW! I'm sore this morning. I need to work on that by working my upper arm muscles because it sure has some kick. That's the only problem with a collapsible stock. With just a shorter version of the factory stock, I can keep most of the weight. So we blasted away for a bit and then went to shoot handguns. And I got a compliment. Yes, me.

There was a newbie at the range shooting a Springfield XD9 fullsize and he was shooting at about 15 yards with a bench rest. His targets were probably 22 inch squares, more for rifles at long distances than pistols but like I said, he was a newbie.

Him: "Man, I hope nobody breaks into your house."

Me: "Me, too."

Him: "Do you shoot competitively?"

Me: "No, I just shoot. A lot."

This was after I repeatedly put 9 of 10 rounds into a 5 inch target from 15 yards. Whether 10 round mags or 13 or even 15, I took less than ten seconds to empty the gun. The worst I shot was 11 rounds out of fifteen into a 5 inch target at fifteen yards. In less than ten seconds.

He said he was a newbie to handguns, just since Hurricane Katrina, said his wife had always been antigun and wouldn't let him own one. After Katrina, she said he was right, there were times when you needed a gun and needed to know how to shoot it. Amen.

So, if anything good can come from that disaster, it's this: More Americans see that our government can't protect us, can't keep us safe, can't maintain civility even if they want to in the face of such a disaster. And gun ownership is up. Which means it will be harder to tell people guns are evil because more of those people will know that propoganda for what it is. And there are blogs online where the battle cry is "Remember New Orleans". We would all do well to remember to make ourselves relatively self-sufficient as much as we can with moving to a remote cabin in Montana. That means rather than call 911 during a disaster, we hunker down with our family and take up arms.

But, enough of this. For now, Fuck the Po-Lice!

JB

Christmas and cut thumbs...

Hey, for Christmas I got a new gun! How's that for cool? It's a Beretta Tomcat Inox. That means it's stainless steel in .32 acp. SWEET! I wanted it for the days when I can't carry a gun that's larger. I know, I know, .32 acp isn't a caliber most people would trust their life to. All I can say is, I'd rather have a .32 than not have a gun at all.

So, I'm coring an apple last night. They have these bad ass corers at Wal-Mart and so I bought one. Basically, you hold a handle on each side and push it down onto the apple, cutting it into slices and leaving the core behind. The only problem is, the wire-blades in the middle are pretty damned sharp. So you know what? I was cleaning it last night and cut the hell out of my thumb. It's my right thumb, my hammer thumb in other words, and I had planned on going to the range today and trying out some spare mags in my new Tomcat. We'll see how it goes.

I overspent on my neices and nephews again. I do that at Christmas and normally, I'll plan to spend $25 each on them and since I have nine neices and nephews to buy for, that small amount adds up. So what normally happens is I'll buy lots of presents that are under five bucks. Their ages are 10,8,6,6,5,4,4,2, 2 mos. So, they're not going to know the difference between GI Joe and The Corps but they will see all kinds of cool ass toys. When they get a little more sophisticated, I'll have to change my strategy but until then, I'm good.

Here's the thing, though. I'm wondering if my sister's feel like I'm trying to outdo them. I'm just glad their kids are going to have something for Christmas because I remember a few rather lean Christmases when I was a kid and I remember not understanding. It wasn't until five or six years ago that I realized the reason my kindergarten teacher gave me a Light-Brite was because I was poor, that we were one of those families on "the list".

So, I don't want my sister's kids, or my brother's kids, to ever know about "the list". Now, if my lazy ass sister's would get a job, it would be different. My youngest sister is a gypsy. Travels around, never stays in one place for very long, however she does manage to keep her kids in the same school district year after year, no matter how far she has to drive from home to get them there.

Anyway, all of this is neither here nor there because I'm typing with two injured fingers. In addition to the deep cut from the apple corer, I got a paper cut under my fingernail while reaching for a present to wrap and catching a piece of plastic that a present was packaged in.

Merry Christmas.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've had a journal entry, actually over three months, and I thought I'd add something, just in case anyone's still checking up.

In the past three months, my favorite team is 13-0. Yes, I'm talking about the Indianapolis Colts. Peyton Manning is the smartest player to ever play football. His talent level is high but his mental ability, his understanding, his instinct for the game is where he excels above all others. So, I've been watching three days of football, sometimes more, each week. Arkansas will be bad ass next year. Had Nutt started Casey Dick earlier this year, we wouldn't have gotten our asses kicked so fucking bad.

Also, I sold my Browning BDA and bought a Savage 111G in .270 winchester and started deer hunting again. I had been squirrel hunting and stuff and decided to deer hunt. Have I done any good? Out of three trips, I've seen three deer. Took two shots at an 8-point and missed. Fuck. I've got the new accu-trigger on my Savage which gives it the greatest trigger short of a match trigger and I've got a bad ass Nikon scope and should not have missed. But I did. My fault. After not having hunted for seven or eight years, I got excited. Sue me.

Also, I flew to Las Vegas and got married. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is good. My first flight, my second marriage, my first trip to Vegas. We won more money than we lost, we had a wonderful time, and we didn't patronize any prostitutes. Good trip.

My old dog just keeps getting smarter and smarter. He's almost 18 months old, he's a lab mix, and he's so smart. He's also empathetic. He knows what we want him to do and how we want him to act without having to be given verbal commands.

I've gotten better at the grill. I can no longer order a steak in a restaurant, mine is better. I can no longer order fajitas, mine are better. Ditto for teriyaki grilled chicken. Mine is superior. Honey grilled tilapia? Excellent. Jerk shrimp with a twist of lime? I'm unbeatable. My pork tenderloin was good, my ribs are fair, and I'll be trying some new stuff soon I think. Oh, and I just baked my first cake in years...I'll let you know on it.

Oh, and I haven't written jack shit in a long, long time but I did recently return to journaling. Fuck. I'm fat, happy, and getting fatter and happier. The writing should come along soon because I'm not a good tortured artist. I write best when I'm happy.

Till next time...

Fuck the Po-Lice.

New Handgun!

I bought a new handgun today and although I probably shouldn't have, I blew right at $600 bucks for it. It's a Beretta Cougar 8000F Inox. That means it's a 9mm, semi-automatic, double action/single action handgun in stainless steel finish. Sweet! They were removed from Beretta's 2005 catalogue and by this time next year they will be VERY hard to come by. I've heard it reported that Beretta only imported 1000 to 1200 of them. I got a really good deal on it but to expedite the shipping and everything, I used a bank card rather than a cashier's check which added 3% to the price of the gun plus another $20 in shipping and then I'll have to pay $15.00 when I pick it up from the gun dealer I'm having it shipped to.

The best part is, I already have a Cougar L, which is basically the same gun with a shortened grip and lightened slide. The Cougar Ls only come in matte bruniton finish and the 8000F Inox is stainless, which hopefully should be more durable. With the wood grips, the 8000F Inox is gorgeous. Now I have a pair of Cougars, both of which are rare and will become more so with time (unless Beretta actually has one of their other sub-companies put them out in the future).

I had kind of kicked around getting a new Cougar L or full-sized Cougar and when I found an Inox, I thought "What the hell?"...and then started seeing footage of the Hurrican. THEN I realized I should have put that money toward my credit card debt but when the Cougars are gone, they're gone. There won't be anymore. And in a few years, when the Inox Cougars are even more rare than they are now, I'll be the only kid on my block with one. Realistically, if there were 1000 imported, and an equal number went to each state, I would be one of only 20 in my state with one. That's pretty sweet! Now--an equal number wouldn't have gone to each state owing mainly to the fact that some states are more restrictive on the types of firearms allowed and stuff. I'd probably be one of less than 50 in Arkansas that has one.

The Cougars have a rotating barrel design which lowers the felt recoil, allowing you to get your sights back on target and fire follow up shots in quick succession. Meaning? You can easily triple-tap your target. The best part is, I won't worry so much about a failure of my Cougar L because I'll have the Cougar 8000F Inox to use also. Although I have several handguns, the Cougar is my favorite and most used, aside from my .22 caliber target pistol but that goes without saying.

On a related front, I finally bought a Don Hume PCCH inside-the-waistband holster for my Cougar (s) although I was really impressed with the price and quality of a Desantis Cozy Partner IWB. They were about five bucks different in price and the main reason I went with the Hume, which has a rougher look, was because I've had good luck with Hume holsters.

Now, the only problem is, how do I get back and forth to work for two weeks without gas money and while I'm there, how do I eat? Because see, I used my two week allowance to be able to afford the gun...and still paid $200 more than I wanted to. But the gun is BEAUTIFUL and accurate as fuck with small size and low felt recoil. And did I mention there weren't that many imported?

Anyway, I thought I would share all this information with everyone and it's possible that I may have the gun by Monday and may be able to take it to the range then...And I'd get to see how it shoots compared to my Cougar L, which is smaller and lighter but still handles really well.

Fuck the Po-Lice!

Horrorfind Weekend's Over and I didn't Go.

Well, it's over and I wanted to go and thought about going and didn't go. Why in the hell do they have all these things, these conventions, in places that are so fucking unfriendly to gun-toting folks? I mean, if I go to San Francisco for World Horror Con, I can't take my gun and why is that? They have guns in California, don't they?

So, Horrorfind Weekend is over and I'll try to plan for one that's held in a cool place like Missouri...yeah, right. Or Texas. I have really been thinking about FenCon in Dallas. It's more fantasy and sci-fi than horror but really, I prefer dark fantasy and sci-fi and I'm not as much into hard sci-fi. So I may go. I may not. I can't decide.

I'll just have to think about it. Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face? Not going to Horrorfind because it's in Baltimore? Maybe. But it's still my choice and I'm not spending money anywhere that I'm welcome but not welcome to defend myself.
Jb

Range Time.

I went to the gun range today. You have to go early in the morning or you'll sweat to death out there. They've made some changes that include moving some of the ranges down the hill. That's all well and good but I don't think I like the plinking range--the one I use the most--as much as I used to. For starters, the covered firing area is uphill from the target and if you want to walk out closer to the berm and do some moving while firing, you end up backing uphill. It's just not as conducive to move-draw-move-fire type practice.

I blew through a couple of hundred 9mm rounds, probably seventy-five .380 rounds and...hell, I don't know, maybe two or three hundred .22lr in my target pistol. After shooting at targets for a while, I switched over to aluminum cans. Why? It's more fun to see a can go flying through the air than see a hole appear in a target. And the thing is, I shoot more accurately when i'm shooting at cans. Go figure. But I blew them away. I'll tell you this, if I'm ever attacked by an errant coke can, I'll be prepared.

My little Bersa was kicking my ass. I don't know if it was because I was shooting my self-defense ammo or what but it actually hurt the webbing between my thumb and pointer finger. It shouldn't have hurt that much but it was really pounding me. I've been thinking about getting one of the little Kahr PM9s but hell, I don't want to pay >$600 for a gun. I just don't want to do that, especially since my most expensive gun was $439 AFTER taxes and that was for my Beretta 8000F/Cougar L. That gun is BAD ASS. And besides my Ruge target pistol, the Beretta is the one I shoot the best. If I had an inside-the-waistband holster, I'd probably carry it more. As is it, I usually stick with my Browning BDA or my Bersa, both in .380ACP. Yeah, I know. Some folks consider them marginal for self-defense. You know what? If I punch someone in the neck/upper chest or the groin/pelvic girdle, even if it's with a .380, they'll either go down or at least lose the will to fight. That's what I hope anyway. If I decided against the Kahr, which I really want, I could go with perhaps a Keltec P11 in 9mm. I just don't know about the Kel-Tecs. They're just kind of cheap.

Hmmm, I also think maybe I should get a high velocity rifle that can be shoulder fired and yet is short enough for use in my home. Kel-Tec makes a nice .223. Ruger has their Mini-14 but then, I'd have to buy Ruger. Since I don't want to put $800 into a rifle, I'd probably have to keep looking around for a good, affordable rifle.

Then again, I probably don't need another gun right now. I've got plenty and really, getting out of debt should be my primary goal because there is just no way that I can write more and work less when I owe the amount of money that I do.

Jb

Two new stories sent off...

I sent off two stories this morning, one to Wicked Hollow and one to The Book of Dark Wisdom and once again, I'm hopeful. That fucking sucks, getting your hopes all together and then waiting. And waiting. The responses I've been getting are taking more than three months on average and since I try to only send exclusive submissions, it can take more than half a year to send a story to more than one market. I know, I know. Get back to writing and send out THAT story to a separate market. But the thing is, I think my stories are good and I want to get them published somewhere so that others can read them and marvel at my genius.

Genius might be a strong word, now that I pause to think about it. But I want them read anyway and most of my always-readers have read everything I've got.

Horrorfind Weekend is going on right now. I could have gone but it's in Maryland and I refuse to bow to their anti-gun laws. If I'm out on the town, most especially in Baltimore, I want to be able to defend myself and my family. Let's face it, no matter how tough I am, in the face of armed or multiple assailants, I'll lose. So fuck Maryland and maybe some day they'll have HorrorFind Weekend in a city that appreciates--or at least tolerates--the second amendment.

Gotta run and do some stuff. Maybe even write.

Jb

Whatever happened to Jane?

She cut her hair and died, I guess. As did a way of life. My way of life.

Poison. Ratt. Dokken. Bon Jovi. Queensryche. Megadeth. Metallica. Twisted Sister. Cinderella. The Cult. Wasp. Guns ‘n Roses. L.A. Guns. Bang Tango. Tesla. Motley Crue. Van Halen. Ozzie Osbourne.

Where did all the good music go? I mean, I like new music but I’m not finding a lot of feel good music. I remember when Warrant and Skid Row were Gods. I mean, really Gods. And I wanted to be just like them.

I remember when women swooned because of fucking CC Deville and Brett Micheals. I remember when Def Leppard fucking ROCKED THE HOUSE! I remember when Suicidal Tendencies were cool as hell. I remember Sebastian Bach spitting on the crowd and telling us we were fucking nuts. And we were.

What happened to the hair bands? Did the grunge-come-alternative movement kill them forever? I mean, spandex and Aquanet faded away to body odor and camouflage pants hacked off at the knees. Not that I have anything against the alternative boom because I love some motherfucking Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana although I never was as much of a Nirvana fan as a lot of my buddies.

Now, Alice in Chains, they fucking rocked. But my point is this: Where can I get all the music I used to love? Whitesnake anyone? What’s become of the music I grew up on? I read a while back on Keene’s blog that he has signed up for Sirius Satellite radio. Good move. You can get all the music that used to be played on Headbanger’s Ball. Fuck Adam Curry, by the way. I’m with Riki Rachtman.

I guess it was when short hair became cool outside of punk and soft rock circles that the hair bands became passé. I remember when Jon Bon Jovi cut his hair and did the Young Gun’s soundtrack. And when Kirk Hammett cut off his hair. Yep, I really think that when short hair became cool it was the beginning of the end. You can’t have a hair band without long hair. Long, wild, slinging everywhere. It just doesn’t work that way. So I guess it was when short hair came back into fashion that the hair bands died and I grieve for them still. But you know what?

Every rose has its thorn. And you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. But in the still of the night, when I wanna rock, and I'm sitting around remembering breaking the chains, I can still join BMG and order greatest hits CDs of my favorite ‘80’s bands online and get overnight delivery.

Jb

These are my comparison shots...

This is me about 10 months ago after not being able to lift weights for two years, give or take. The brace on my right wrist is something that I used to wear while lifting to brace my wrist. It didn'twork that well but what the hell...it made me feel more secure. The goatee is here to stay. It makes me look older I think, and more menacing. I need that since my physique is now pussified.




Now, view this second picture. This one was taken immediately after working out. Notice the swimming trunks. I would work out in them because I would get so sweaty and hot. It may seem vain to take pictures of yourself but when you're working out with a goal of 5% body fat, a picture is worth a thousand words.




This is a picture of me in August or so of 2003. Maybe September. I'd just left my girlfriend and moved closer to my home town, bought a new Mustang, and was macking on this chick at work and working out three to four days a week and swimming at the lake three days a week, doing laps of the buoys for cardio. Oh, and working overtime and blowing money like it was going out of style.

I just get so fucking depressed. I've paid between two and three thousand dollars for my surgery and it hasn't helped a fucking bit. That was with insurance paying 80% of some things and 100% of other things related to the surgery and corticosteroid injections into the joint.

Jb

Weak man, weak.

So I've been reading Mike Oliveri's blog and he's working out and man, it makes me miss it so much. For anyone who's ever been good at something, I mean really, good, and then you're unable to do that thing you're so good at due to injury...I feel your pain. Because I'm not the biggest, strongest, or best shaped lifter but damnit, I was good at lifting, at getting in the groove, at letting my body work and get bigger, get stronger, get leaner and meaner.

Last year, after a lot of pain, I had surgery on my right wrist because my Ulna was too long, (who knows why? Genetics?) and it had ruptured my TFCC (triangular fibrocartilage complex) and so they had to shorten my ulna and fix the cartilage...but it didn't fix the pain and the inablity to lift anything heavy or open a jar of pickles.

I used to do dips. That was my favorite exercise. You have to parallel bars and you hop on them with your wrists supporting your entire body and then you lower yourself until your triceps are parrallel to the floor. When I would do dips, I would strap fifty pounds to my waist with my lifting belt.

I'm 5'7 and at the time, I weighed 160lbs. Some day, maybe today, I'll post a picture. I was motherfucking ripped. Now? Fuck. The worst part is, when I was strong, and looked great, I had the best confidence and was ALWAYS in a good mood. Now, I tend to get moody and shit.

I still look okay although I'm soft around the middle now since I haven't lifted consistently in 2 years. But here's the thing. I just went into my field and cut some small trees with my chainsaw. Now, the thickest tree was about 5 inches thick, maybe less. Well, granted it's Arkansas and it was hot as hell out there, and granted my chainsaw is a small 16 inch, 32cc pussy. But after cutting about ten or fifteen small trees that I'm sick of mowing around, I was fucking beat. I could barely carry both myself and the chainsaw up the hill to the house. I'm weak man, weak. I guess that's one reason I carry a handgun when I'm away from the house. I've lost the confidence I used to have and even now, my wrist is creaking and popping.

If I dwell on it, I just get sick. In this day and age, they should be able to fix my wrist but fuck, they just can't seem to do it. I guess I have to wait until they can do complete cartilage replacement for wrists. I think that would probably be the only thing that would help my situation...

And yeah, I know they can inject liquid cartilage but my doc just laughed when I asked. He said that's only for knees but has been tried--without success--in shoulders. A wrist? Like I said, he laughed. There's nothing like a doc with a sense of humor.

I guess I should have bought a bigger chainsaw because you can't have a pussy saw AND a pussy operator. I have a story called Gainer about a weight lifter but I can't work on it because it depresses me when I think about lifting weights.

With those cheery thoughts, I bid you adieu.
Jb

Futility

So, our hospital took over management of the psychiatric unit that is inside the hospital. I'm an RN, I work lots of areas but I've been at my psych job for almost 12 years while working other jobs (at one time, I held four concurrent jobs).

In psych, I've worked with acute adults, adolescent sex offenders, acute geriatric, outpatient adult psych, residential psych, and forensic psych. I'm not saying I'm an expert but I'm good at what I do. I also work general med-surg and intensive care when I feel the need but that's at another hospital and outside the scope of this essay.

Well, as I said, the hospital decided it could manage the psych unit here better than the management company (I believe the 2nd or 3rd largest in the country) and booted them out. They then took the marketing director (approximately 26, female, BS in Business/Marketing) and made her the program director.

This person has no experience in psychiatry, psychology, counseling, medicine, nursing, social work, recreation or therapy of any kind related to any discipline. Yet this is the person pegged to run, coordinate, regulate, and oversee a psychiatric unit. Then, since the old social workers went with the management company, they have hired a new social worker, fresh out of school or nearly so with no psych social work experience. Oh, and the rec therapist is new to psych. And the intake coordinator is new to psych.

Now, as I said, I've been at this facility for almost 12 years and it was ran by one of the biggest management companies in psychiatric care in the country and they had very high standards. Our unit, once an award-winning program, has become a relative joke. There is no "program". We used to be what is considered a therapeutic milieu and now, I'm not sure anyone in a management position can spell milieu, much less articulate what such a program is. We're adrift in a sea of change and headed for the great barrier reef.

It is futile. Tonight, our esteemed program director basically admitted a patient. Now, never mind that only a physician can do that, or a nurse or PA with an order from a physician. With the other management company, the unit charge nurse ran the unit. The charge nurse makes assignments, directs care, and oversees the medication nurses and mental health techs, among other things. With our new program director and other neo-psych administration, we're floundering. I don't want to jump ship when things are bad. I've been here most of my real adult life. I want to go out on top.

But it's beginning to look more and more like it's not going to happen. It looks like in the end, I'll just have to switch over to my other job full time and leave this one behind. And it leaves me with such a feeling of futility and loss and frustration. The only saving grace is that others in the hospital see what's happening. The ER staff--oh, excuse me, they're called the ED staff now--have even said that our new program director (remember, she's a NON-clinician of any kind) has NO BUSINESS in their department talking with patients. That's kind of like having the hospital CEO involved in the medical management of a patient. He ain't qualified and neither is our program director.

Well you know what? FUCK THEM! I will work here for a while longer, mainly because I'm typing this entry on their dime. If they fire me, I'll get fired because Arkansas is an at-will employment state. As an RN, I have a license to protect. That's my livelihood. My career. I have a regulating body AND a little something called the Nurse Practice Act that I have to live by. I don't want to get fired but neither do I want to just give up and quit. I know if I stay long enough, our new management folks will self-destruct. My fear is, in their uninformed, unknowing stupor, they will involve the rest of the staff in their death spiral and take us with them.

Fuck the Po-lice!

Jb

Mosquito Country

Anyone here ever been to Blytheville Arkansas? I'm telling you, it's the mosquito capitol of the world. Not that that's a bad thing, just that you can't go outside or open your door to your house or hotel room. It's so bad that they have these little trucks that drive around and spray and they do this I believe 24 hours a day for all of mosquito season. They also use crop dusters for spraying for mosquitos. Why is there a problem? I'm going to guess it's because of all the farmland and standing water from rice fields and stuff. Walnut Ridge has some bad ass mosquitos but it's been quite a while since I've been there--since I was a kid really--and so I can't remember what the little biting motherfuckers were like.

Now, my mom lived in Blytheville when she was growing up and I believe my dad might have lived here for a while. My grandmother on my mom's side died here of cirrhosis of the liver when I was 8...actually, right down the road in Osceola but still...

I should go to the cemetery and find her marker. We went, once, in about 1988 or 89, but I don't think we ever found it. She doesn't have a stone or anything just a little metal platform. One of these days maybe...surely they have a map there that shows where everyone is buried.

So we're up here for Gaye Anne's mom's birthday. We're more or less hanging out, eating, drinking, and being merry. They cook the best damned food I've ever had. I love some good food and this is food I would never attempt to cook. Like chicken alfredo. I'd never cook it but I'll eat the hell out of it. It was so damned good and the salad dressing...wow! It was some great stuff.

Anyway, we're here in Blytheville, hanging out and stuff and I just wanted to do some blogging.

Jb

Veronica Mars....

I just watched my first ever episode of Veronica Mars. It was good. Can you believe that? I'd have never figured it would be good but I was sitting around bored and it was either that or porn and so I figured, come on, how many times can I watch the same video...well, actually, I can't count the times I've watched THAT video but still...

So, Veronica Mars reminded me of Twin Peaks with the story line about Lily and her mysterious death and stuff. I liked it and hey, Veronica Mars was fucking HOT! I mean, she's smart AND hot.

Regina, this nurse who works in the hospital where I work, had a brother. Had. He was murdered last night, in the town I live in. The town my brother and sister and their children live in. My oldest younger sister lives in a rough ass town called Hot Springs but Benton isn't rough, it's just not. And yet he was stabbed to death here. I don't have all the details and don't think I want them but it does bring me to something else I've learned from studying self-defense.

If someone threatens you with a knife, run. Don't walk, don't try to take it away, run. Period. If he looks like he--or she--does NOT know how to use it, and they are more than 21 feet away, and you have a gun in your hand, shoot them. Because chances are, if they get to you--and according to the Tueler Drill, it will take an average person 1.5 seconds to cover 21 feet from a dead stop--they will kill you with a knife before you can pull the trigger. True story. Check it out, look up Tueler Drill although you make have to check the spelling to get the correct hit. And if the person holding the knife looks like they might know how to use, or just looks violent and aggressive, shoot them. While walking backwards and laterally. Shoot them until they are not a threat.

Knives are scary, much scarier than guns, to me. The wound channel is different, it's more deadly. Often, the helicopter will fly an emergency patient from our hosptial, sometimes gunshots and sometimes knife wounds. If it's a penetration or cutting wound from a knife, they don't survive. They just don't. GSW's survive more frequently. Just food for thought.

So, now I'm off to either do some rewriting or some new writing, can't decide which. And as always, FUCK THE PO-LICE!

Jb

The Last Rung on the Ladder

I just read--or rather reread--the Stephen King story "The Last Rung On The Ladder" from his Night Shift collection.

Wow.

For anyone who has ever been estranged from a sibling, this story is tough to take. Now, with me and my sisters, we were never close. We never had the trust that exists in this story. One thing we do have is the estrangement, partly because when I was putting myself through nursing school I just didn't have the time to devote to family functions like meeting at one of their houses for spaghetti.

It's weird. My family all act like I have more money than God, which is not necessarily true. I make a good living but since I stopped working seventy hours a week and more, I don't make that much dough. Oh, I double and triple what they make but I went to college and they chose not to. But it's like, I don' t know, maybe they think that I think I'm too good to come over for spaghetti on a Thursday night.

I don't know. I know "Last Rung" is a terribly sad story about regret and should have/would have and I know I'm tired.

I want them to do well but there is nothing I can do to help them. They have chosen to live the lives they live. Abusive or drug-addicted men, no jobs, living the lives of substance abusers.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've partied with the best of them. I've smoked weed, done a lot of drinking and driving, commited crimes while under the influence. But I grew up. I like living a settled life, or rather, having the ability to lead a settled life. They live an almost subsistence life, waiting on the utility companies to shut of lights, gas, water, phones...and I have nothing against government aid but how hard can it be to afford your electricity if the state pays your rent and buys your food?

I just don't understand it. And so you trade a man who works hard to provide for your kids to one who takes from your kids to support his own alcoholism and drug use? I just don't understand it.

The hardest part is knowing that if I loan my oldest sister money, whether it's $50 or $100 or even $25, that I'm throwing that money in the toilet and flushing it. Until she makes the decision to improve her life, all the money I can loan her, and all the government can give her, will not change her life. The worst part is, I hate giving money to her knowing it will be used to support the drugs and alcohol of the useless motherfucker she's living with.

Fuck.

Jb

Novel Recommendation!!!

Ok, I've been burned lately on novels. I'll admit it and that's probably one reason I'm so picky with novels, because if I invest a lot of time, I want it to be good. Well, last night at work, I started a novel that's been sitting in my backpack forever. (See a backpack entry later in the blog)

It's called Through Violet Eyes, by Stephen Woodworth. Apparently he won the Writer's of the Future Contest--first place, I believe, (I was a non-winning quarter finalist once, Yay!) and also is a graduate of the Clarion West Writer's Workshop. I've never heard of him except for his two "violet" books and I've never read one. Until last night.

Man, what a ride. Part supernatural thriller and part police who-done-it and although I had inklings about the end, I didn't see it coming for a while and I would have to reread parts of the book to see if what I thought was going on was really going on. I started the book about one am I think--at work, where I had distractions and a job to do--and finshed the last 30 pages when I got home this morning. At eight am.

It's a hell of a book and it's what Doug Clegg's Afterlife should have been. Afterlife had the best start but the ending let me down. Through Violet Eyes did not let me down. I'm going to stop at Wal-Mart on my way to work and see if I can pick up the second one in the series With Red Hands.

We don't have a good bookstore in the town where I work, just some crappo books-videos-music store that sucks ass and has outrageous prices so the best I can hope for is that WallyWorld carries the book still although it came out in December of '04.

Anyway, without giving away any spoilers, the book was a quick read with only subtle emotional manipulation. For the most part, the author earned the emotions he earnestly elicited...say that three times real fast.

Just thought I would throw the recommendation out there. I was thinking a few days back and you know, I haven't found a counter on my blog yet and so really, I have no idea if anyone sees this. I sure haven't told anyone about it.

By reading Through Violet Eyes last night, I didn't get any writing done. It doesn't matter. Reading that book to completion made me a stronger writer and that's enough for me for last night. Tonight, maybe something different. Assuming I don't find the sequel...

Wagons HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jb

Exclusive submissions.

Don't you just fucking HATE exclusive submissions? I do. The problem is, most of the places I want to submit require them. Why? Is their time so much more fucking important than mine?

Here's the problem. I write a story, edit it, then send it to a single market. Because I'm sending it to a very popular, professional market, the average turn around is two months minimum to six months maximum. While that story languishes, I could be submitting it elsewhere.

Paying markets have writers over a barrell and we all know it. But, and this is a big but, some folks are better at playing the game than others, some folks are busy networking, some folks just write a story faster than I do and send out to more markets. And they probably subscribe to HellNotes (I don't) and have more access to new or hidden markets.

What am I bitching about? I don't know really except I have four stories out to professional markets with another one getting ready to go. It's been two and a half months on those four that are out and I haven't heard a word. They are all exclusive.

When I reach a point in my career--and I will--that people are coming after me for stories, I would like to say that I'll never send a damned thing to exclusive markets. But I'd be lying because to reach that point, I'll have to sell to those markets. Like it or not, they make the rules and when they publish stories, they make the authors.

Next time, multiple submissions. Maybe.

Jb

Writing again.

I'm writing again and that's a wonderful thing but at the same time, I find myself doing the same old thing. Start a new story, get 1000 to 3000 words down, then stop. The story just sits around and never gets touched again. Except when I open the file every few months and toy with a paragraph or two. I have a story called Skin that's almost ten thousand words and hell, I've never even tried to rewrite it, about the most I've done is spellcheck it. It's a good story, too. I think so anyway. It's finished as far as content goes but not finished as far as rewriting and actually finishing a product to submit is my problem.

That's what separates me from published authors and what separates me from people more successful but less talented. I'm not that prolific. I want to be, and if starting a story made one prolific, I'd be prolific, but it doesn't and I'm not.

What I would like to do is finish some of what I've started writing and do more editing on stuff that I've finished but have abandoned. There's nothing quite as exciting as moving something from my generic "stories" folder to the "finished" folder. I've got several things I'm working on and just can't going on them. I want to, and with more time I could, but then I already work only three days a week and most of that time at work could be spend editing. I mean, I've probably spent a couple of hundred hours--yes, you read that correctly, a couple of hundred hours--online reading about guns and gun-related issues. While I think it's important to educate yourself, it has also been a great waste of time. I could have been writing. At work, if my bosses ever found out how much time I've spent online, I'd get fired. There have been days--none recently but back two years ago--when I would finish my work by 11pm and then sit online until 6am...that's seven hours, folks. That's a lot of time that I could have been writing or editing.

Granted, it's hard to originate text with people next to you, moving around and occassionally making mundane comments and it's even a lot harder when they are saying things you're interested in. But there were nights when I would put four to six thousand words in my journal and although a story would have been harder to write and only given me a third that much output, it would have been work. Instead, I have mindless journaling, a broad knowledge-base on all things related to concealed-carry and the Second Amendment.

In fact, if you look at this blog entry, you have to ask yourself what I'm saying here that I haven't said before, either in the blog or in my journal. Very little, except that I'm happy to be writing again and feel good about what I've written, especially this new story that's ready to go out. I have four out right now, making the rounds, and this will be #5. Now, I also have one that I don't know where to send it because it's erotic but not erotica and it's horror but not blood and guts or even psychological...it's about losing everything in your life because of addiction and that's horrible but it's also not enough horror to get it in any horror magazines. Oh, well, I guess I can always hope someone will eventually buy it.

Gotta go because I'm tired and have bills to pay.
Jb